I'm sorry March. I didn't mean it. I've just been under a lot of stress lately

Okay okay okay okay okay. I can finish what I started. For once. I swear.

End of March saw me off to Atlanta, GA, for a professional conference. It was a mediocre experience, which was disappointing to me. I enjoyed last year's conference a great deal, and I was looking forward to this one. A number of things factored into my rating this trip as blah.

First, I went alone. Technically, many people in my department were there, but I don't know them personally. We don't know much about each other, we don't hang out, and they don't have my cell phone number. By change, I ran into them at the keynote and I followed them to dinner. They're all super nice people, but I felt I didn't have much to talk about with them. The reason why is also one of th reasons why I didn't enjoy the conference: I'm not a Student Affairs person.

Just about everyone in my department is Student Affairs. My area is in with them, but technically, we're a service position. We're facilities people. I appreciate why we're brought into the fold, the spirit of inclusion, the sharing of information. It's a good practice. Being folded in though means we're expected to think, act, and preform like Student Affairs professionals. We end up doing programming, we end up working on strategic plans, we're expected to perform assessment. The problem is, none of us are specifically trained to think this way. It's assumed by members on staff that I have a MA in Student Affairs because that's the track, that's what everyone has.

Being between the service world and the professional world is personally frustrating, as in our professional group there is hierarchy, and there is occasional wrangling, but for the most part it is a respectful environment of peers. There is a power differential however in my service role. When I control access to limited resources my peers need, I am no longer their peer. I am in that airy half-world of service where I am in a position of power, a position to grant access, but also frequently forced to acquiesce, to bend rules, ignore policy, to be powered over in deference to those who feel entitled to the resources I keep.

In short, it stinks. I feel as if I would be, and have been, unable to form any meaningful, human, relation with folks in the department. In the times I've tried, I've been let down, disappointed, burned.

Not having the Student Affairs background also means I had nothing to talk about at dinner, I had little to talk about with strangers, and it was a constant uphill effort to relate the sessions to my particular position, and to contribute meaningfully to sessions that involved group activity.

The weather also stunk. Cold and wet. I was expecting a nice sneak peak at spring, but except for the ever-present mention of peaches, I could have just as well been here.

I'd never been to Atlanta, and I wanted to go out and explore. Unfortunately, I've got a project I was volunteered for that's sucking up all my free time at work, and a bit of my free time at home. I spent every evening in the hotel room, plugging away. I also wanted to go to a record store, to buy the new R.E.M. and B-52's cds while I was in their home state! Unfortunately, the nearest shopping center was two miles away, and the mall was six, and I didn't have the time to sacrifice.

It was also difficult to be at this conference, knowing I don't want to be in the field anymore. Somehow, that takes the wind out of your sails.

Unlike the Cylons, I have a plan for what's beyond. This is major for me. News on this, however, will have to come at a later date. I simply must eat some fajitas now.

Om nom nom. Nom.